The Miracle of Weatherfield

It is early morning on Coronation Street and Alec Gilroy,accompanied by Vera, is in The Kabin buying his morning paper. "Come on then Vera, let's get back to The Rovers for a slap-up breakfast before the daily grind starts". Vera replies "Daily grind? Well, so long as you remember exactly who is the organ-grinder here and who is the monkey; it's my name above the door of the Rovers and don't you forget it!".

They say goodbye to Rita and head out the Kabin door. Just at that point Alec looks down at the statue of the little paperboy which has been standing outside The Kabin for years. "What the.?!". He rubs his bleary eyes and takes a second look. "My God, look Vera! The paperboy statue is crying! There's a tear running down his face!". He bends over the statue to take a closer look. "It's milk! The paperboy statue is actually crying tears of milk!! It's a miracle, it must be some kind of sign" and he silently thinks to himself.. "and this could be a potential moneyspinner for The Rovers, I'll show Vera who's the organ-grinder!".

His entrepreneurial mind springs into action. "I tell you Vera, this must be a message from God". "Oh yeah?" scoffs Vera, "and what's he saying - please leave an extra pinta tomorrow?". "No Vera, can't you see?! This will have the punters flocking in to Weatherfield and, more significantly, to The Rovers. I'm getting straight on to the local TV company - they'll do an item on it. If there are miracles going on then let's make sure that we make the most of it - this will put Coronation Street on the map!". Alec is fired up with enthusiasm - not only is there personal kudos to be gained from being the person who witnessed the Weatherfield miracle, he'll be quids in if he manages the situation properly! However, he begins to wonder whether there's enough mileage in his story so decides to "embellish it" slightly (with typical Gilroy gusto) to guarantee TV coverage.

Back at The Rovers he immediately calls Norris McNorbert, ace reporter at Weatherfield News and stretches the truth to snapping point. "Yes that's right Norris, a miracle in Coronation Street! What's more, after witnessing the tears of milk I stood back and that's when I saw 'The Vision'. There, floating above the paperboy statue, was Ivy Brennan - a real holier-than-thou type who used to live round here but spent her latter years in a convent. Round here they used to call her 'Blessed Ivy Brennan'. Her image above the paperboy statue was smiling and radiant and bathed in a strangely ethereal light and she held out her hands to me as if she were about to deliver a message. I've seen 'The Song of Bernadette' three times so I recognise a spiritual visitation when I see one!! And you know what? I haven't had a single twinge of lumbago ever since! I tell you Norris, there are strange, religious events happening in Weatherfield at the moment and if I were you I'd get down to Coronation Street quick to be first to get the story".

It all goes according to plan. The item is featured on Weatherfield News, arousing great interest amongst the locals. Consequently the story is picked up by national TV and pretty soon hordes of journalists, church groups and freelance gawpers are arriving by the busload at Coronation Street which is now being hailed as "the Lourdes of Lancashire". Alec sets up a shrine around the paperboy statue to cater for the many visitors who are making pilgrimages to Weatherfield. It becomes obvious that Alec's quote of "just touch the statue's cap and you will be cured" is really drawing in the crowds and business at The Rovers has never been better. He places adverts in the national tabloids - "Visit Weatherfield's Rovers Return where you're guaranteed an 'immaculate reception' - discount rates for our special 'loaves and fishes' platter. It may not be your Last Supper but it will definitely be one of your best" etc. etc.

Within a few days this religious fervour completely envelops Coronation Street and it begins to attract some of the more extreme religious factions, including a group of women whose members claim to be the first in the country to be experiencing the Ivy Brennan stigmata (their lips have all grown unfeasibly large). They call themselves "The Sisters of the Perpetual Pout" and they wander round Weatherfield demanding the beatification of Blessed Ivy.

Over the next few days there are reports of further miracles in the Weatherfield area which all add to the euphoria. Several coach parties report that Jack at the Rovers Return must be turning wine into water (on the evidence of the wine served up at their discount lunches), Steve McDonald does a decent acting scene and even Tilly's forehead spot clears up! Fuelled by these encouraging developments Jim and Maude actually cast aside their wheelchairs and walk! "Blessed Ivy be praised" is the chant heard as thousands of believers cram into the tiny, cobbled street looking for hope, salvation and one of Alec's bargain B&B breaks.

The Street's residents cannot help but be caught up in the hysteria and be affected by it. Very soon Alec becomes the subject of a special investigative documentary on the phenomenon - Hard Evidence. He proudly shows Norris McNorbert around Coronation Street where Jack has set up a stall selling "I was cured in Weatherfield" T-shirts and Fred Elliott has set up a stall selling "I was dry cured in Weatherfield" bacon.

"So, Mr. Gilroy, what is your view on all these miracles?"

"Oh, I'm all for them, the more the merrier just as long as Ivy Brennan doesn't actually rise from the dead - after all, she was always a miserable old busybody".

"And what about the effect all this is having on the Street residents?".

"Hmm, yes, admittedly that is very strange. That's one of them over there". Alec points across the street.

"You mean that woman with the sackcloth leotard, wearing the crown of thorns?"

"That's no crown of thorns Norris, it's her hair you pie-can! It always looks that way. That's Liz Magdalene McDonald. She used to be an unspeakable hoor but all this talk of religion has made her see the error of her old ways and now she's doing penance".

They watch on as a large, angry, self-righteous crowd threatens to stone Liz to death because of her evil past.

"Nurrrr" she screams, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

"That'll be me then!" shouts the saintly Emily Bishop as she fires off a volley of rocks in Liz's direction.

"Oh dear" says Norris, "it's all gone a bit Old Testament, hasn't it. And it'll be even worse tomorrow - my TV company is sponsoring a well-known American TV evangelist to give a sermon at the Mount".

"What, the pub in Mawdsley Street?".

"No!... the big hill at the far end of the Red Rec".

"Oh I see. A sermon on the mount - that's a bit OTT isn't it?" states Alec.

"Well, they're just trying to inject a bit of drama into it" Norris replies .

"Not in this soap they won't! Rita Sullivan is the only one allowed to do that kind of thing and Big Red won't be best pleased if they introduce some kind of Messiah as a new character; it'll steal her thunder".

At that moment they are jostled aside by yet another production crew. "Hello viewers. Songs of Praise comes to you this week from The Kabin on Coronation Street in Weatherfield which has been the centre of a great deal of religious devotion over the last several days. Later on we'll be hearing members of the Weatherfield Players singing excerpts from their very hastily prepared production of Godspell but for now let's chat to The Kabin's owner, Rita Sullivan, who has kept the shop open and is selling souvenir sacred paperboy satchels even though it's Sunday, a day of worship. Rita, don't you remember the second commandment - keep holy the Sabbath Day?".

"Listen here laydeh! I'm 66 years old and I've got carbon monoxide poisoning!! I can't even remember the names of Sally Webster's kiddies let alone the Ten Commandments. If that's your attitude then get out - Songs of Praise will have to be cancelled!"

And this turns out to be an unfortunate portent of the calamities to come. As with many "fire and brimstone" religious affairs there follows a period of what appears to be the wrath of God. Coronation Street is beset firstly by a plague of muppets followed by a plague of studleys, sadly lasting much longer than the regulation seven days and seven nights.

The last straw comes and it finally puts an end to Coronation Street's fifteen minutes of fame. It also shows that this whole episode has done nothing more than demonstrate the amazing power of blind faith because it turns out that there has been no godly involvement at all.

The Hard Evidence team reports back that it had sent a sample of the milky tears for investigation. The laboratory analysis reveals that the miraculous tears of milk are in fact nothing more sanctified than pigeon droppings and that, far from being a message from God, it was a message left behind by "Dolly Parton", Jack Duckworth's infamous prize-winning homing bird!


Send mail to corrie.net

corrie.net

Back to ratucs

Back to Chat

Back to corrie.net