The scene is the openair market in Weatherfield. Professor Ken Higgins- Barlow is sharing a cab with a friend of his - they are en-route to the theatre. Just as they pass the market, they are distracted by some strangled, nasal screeching booming out from a stall there. Ken's deep- rooted interest in linguistics forces him to investigate what could possibly be communicating in this weird and terrible manner (backed by a curious disco beat). He finds his answer - a poor waif who is down on her luck (lonely, son in prison, no sympathetic storylines for ages etc) and is trying to earn a crust by selling copies of her exercise video out of an old Woolworth's Reject bin. She looks dirty (though in fact what he thinks is muck is actually a thick layer of makeup, especially on one side of her face which is literally "painted" black and blue) and she appears to be living rough on The Street. "She obviously can't afford proper clothes" he comments, "there's more material in my handkerchief than there is in that skirt she's wearing". Her accent is one of the strangest Ken has ever heard and he sets himself a personal challenge to improve the woman's lot in life and teach her to speak properly.

So, taking pity on the poor woman, he invites her to stay with him for several months. "Nurrr" she says, "I'm Eliza McDonald-Dolittle and I'm a good girl I am - I'm not a 'hoor' even though I slept with my husband's best friend and Des Barnes' brother". Ken puts his head in his hands. "This is worse than I thought, she's obviously delusional. She calls herself a GOOD GIRL when it's clear that she's almost forty, can't afford a mortgage and is a right old slapper". Ken realises that as far as challenges go, this one is enough to make even Anneka Rice pack up and go home.

Eventually he persuades her to move in. "I'm a good girl I am - but my husband has bought me out of our house and I can't face living in a tiny bedsit" she explains. After several months of intensive speech therapy the efforts seem fruitless. His voice coaching talents are at breaking point :-

"Repeat after me Eliza...it's no go on the snow you know"

"It's nurrr gurrr on the snurrr yer knurrr"

The whole project seems to be impossible. Ken despairs and Liz retreats into her own fantasy world in order to cope :-

Sung to - Wouldn't it be luvverly
"All I want is a room somewhere
Mini-skirts and some proper hair
And for Jim to be elsewhere
Oh, woo-den it be loov-leh

Lots of chocolates for me to eat
No-one calling me Mutton meat
In Coronation Street
Oh woo-den it be loov-leh..."

Strangely and very, *very*, VERY gradually the transformation process begins to take effect. By George, she gets it! (and she also gets it by several other friends of Ken's). She revels in her new posh-sounding voice - "I'm vain, insane and look mainly like a crane" she sings at the next Rovers talent night.

For the ultimate test of his powers, Ken bets his friend that he can pass Liz off as a "lady" at the Square Dealers Christmas party. However, since things appear to be going well, Ken decides to have a "trial run" by taking Liz for an evening at the Hourglass disco to see how she acts. Unfortunately, she lets him down badly by having a few drinks too many and acting in a manner unbecoming of a "lady". Ken gets sick of seeing her flirt with all the young 18-year-olds and dancing "The Macarena" so he drags her back home for some remedial work. Liz is very frustrated because she was just getting in the mood and voices her opinions in a song :-

I could have danced all night
I could have danced all night
Around handbags on the floor

I could have spread my wings
And had a few more flings
I'll show Jim who's a whore

I didn't know it could be so exciting
The young guys here are dynamite
I want to "hit the floor"
Again with Barrymore!
I could have danced, danced, danced all night"

Oh dear. However, it's too late to back out of his bet.

Several more months pass and Liz starts to feel sorry for herself. Her life has taken a turn for the worse and she finds that she no longer considers herself a part of The Street community. She ambles down Coronation Street all alone in the dead of night contemplating the mess that her life has become :-

Sung to - On the street where you live
I have often walked down The Street before
And have passed the time of day with Mave and "Reet" before
Now I've sold my house
To that Irish louse
Now there's no place in which I can live

I have lost my charm, I'm an outcast here
Now my only friend in life appears to be old Drear
My life's such a mess
I don't need the stress
But there's no place in which I can live

However, she shakes off this depression when she manages to find a tiny bedsit to move into (Just a bed, a chair and a matchbox to store her skirts in) and continues to attend her "ladyship" lessons with Ken Higgins-Barlow.

The fateful night of the ultimate test has arrived - the night of the Square Dealers Christmas Party. Liz does her hair up, puts on a long dress and acts like a true lady throughout the entire evening. The Square Dealers are curious and Liz becomes the focus of whispered conversations :-

"Who's that elegant and refined lady with Ken Higgins-Barlow?"

"Old Casanova Ken has done it again!"

"Much better than Wendy Crozier but nowhere near as nice as that lovely Joanna Lumley he went out with years ago - now *she* was a REAL lady"

"I haven't seen hair that frizzy since Valerie Barlow electrocuted herself with her blow-dryer!"

etc etc

The evening has been an unqualified success for Ken. No-one came anywhere near to guessing that Liz wasn't born into a grand family with class and "breeding".

However, for Liz herself the evening has been a sad one. she realises that she has fallen for the professor but also realises that he sees her as purely a successful experiment; a mere object. "He's no better than Jim so he isn't" and in a cruel twist to the original plot she reverts to her old self, hitches up her skirt, piles on buckets of cosmetics and gyrates down at the disco with the local young lads before revving off into the night on the back of Gary Mallett's motorbike.

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