The opening scene takes place at Mr Bumbles Theatre School. It is the final year graduation ceremony for the drama students and there are about sixty young boys and girls all eagerly queuing up waiting for the distribution of their first proper acting assignments after four yearsspent in the drama school which they all agree has been a bit of aworkhouse.

Mr Bumble booms out "You girl! You have been a star pupil and will go on to play in Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit before taking the pivotal role of Becky in Coronation Street where you will have lots of lines and dramatic scenes at the centre of a difficult adult relationship". He then turns to young Nicky Oliver, rolls his eyes heavenwards, sighs heavily and says "You boy have been a huge disappointment to us here.You show absolutely no acting potential whatsoever but amazingly we have somehow managed to get you a part in the UK's longest running soap as well. You will play Nick Platt and will have a grand total of three lines over the years; these are 'Cool!', 'Smart!' and 'Mega!'. Now get out of my sight".

Nicky Oliver is distraught at the thought of only having three lines ever. "But please sir, I want some more!". Mr Bumble is outraged and storms out of the assembly hall but the rest of the class are in hysterics - they have known all along how wooden Nick's performances are and they voice this in music :-

"Wood glorious wood
His acting is chronic
He's clearly no good
We think he's moronic
All actors outshine him when they're not even tryin'
His acting's as lifeless as his dad Brian

Plank odious plank
Will be his new nickname
He's only top rank
When playing a doorframe
Good actor he'll never be, he's no John Gielgud
Oh wood, two-by-four wood, colour-stained wood, glorious wood!"

Nicky Oliver can take no more of this teasing and decides to head for that centre of acting excellence, London. However, he found it a bit too scary (having visited Albert Square in the borough of Ratuee) and almost went to Torquay instead (but it was closed) so he ends up in the mean streets of Manchester. At first he is a bit disoriented and frightened but is soon befriended by a young boy who offers to repair the puncture on his bike tyre. "But I haven't got a bike" says Nick "though what I do have is an inheritance from my Granny Ivy". The young urchin's face lights up and he explains to Nick that there are lots of unscrupulous people on The Street so he'll look after him. He introduces himself as The Artful Jameh Dodger but adds that if Nick pronounces it as Jammy Dodger then he'll cut his throat and leave him lying in the nearest ginnel.

R Jameh Dodger takes him to a secluded hovel to meet up with the rest of his "gang" who turn out to be a bunch of second-rate variety acts. They include the magnificent Melanie Powers who tears telephone directories in half (unfortunately her career is in a bit of a slump due to the fact that telephones haven't been invented yet in Dickensian England), Shadow and Sun, various conjurers, jugglers and the latest singing sensation Nancy Maxine.

Jameh Dodger introduces Nicky Oliver with a flourish - "Here's a new recruit I have found and I know that we'd all like to say welcome aboard!". However most of them have already seen him act and quip - Don't you mean "Welcome a board!". Jameh Dodger tries to make Nicky Oliver feel better by saying that he must pay them no attention, "Their bark is worse than their bite". "It's him who has the bark" they retort and collapse in fits of laughter. They sum up their cruel opinions in a big song 'n dance routine :-

"Consider yourself
King brat
You act in the style
Of a part of the furniture
Your soap family's the Platts
But you're much worse than that load of prats

Consider yourself
The Bees-Knees?
You're acting amongst
The great Corrie family
And though we don't mean to tease
You'd better beware of Dutch Elm Disease

And when you ran away we did say hip-hip-hooray
It was a holiday for all
Then the police rang Gail, we went pale and then did wail
When you returned safe after all

Consider yourself
Our mate
But if we possess
The clout
Then we'll be having words with Stephen Mallatratt
'Cos we want you to be written out!"

At this point the door opens and in walks the man who controls this gang of reprobates. "This is Alec Gilroy, our theatrical agent" says Jameh Dodger, "but everyone round here calls him Fagin". "Why?" asks Oliver. "Because all his acts are fagin' awful" explains the Dodger. Alec Fagin approaches and the Dodger proudly says that he has brought a new person to join the company. Alec recognises Nicky Oliver immediately and groans. "Oh no, Jameh, you've done it again! How many times do I have to tell you - I send you out to bring back ANTIQUES, not A TEAK! This one's hopeless. Why did you pick *him*?"

He turns to young Nick and vents his frustration :-

Sung to Pick a Pocket or Two
"In this world
It's no good
Acting like
Firewood
Actors like these they grow on trees
Why'd he pick a planker like you?

You're even worse than creepy Sarah-Lou, boy
Why'd he pick a planker like you?

Chorus: You'll have to go, Pinocchio! Why'd he pick a planker like you?"

However, he grudgingly agrees to put Nick on his books - "Better than nothing I suppose". How wrong he was. Nick stays for months, fluffing his lines (all three of them), failing every audition and he eventually decides that Fagin isn't sending him up for the right parts. "I want to do more than the occasional Cuprinol advert. I'm capable of so much - I think I'll get some proper qualifications and take to the stage". "Oh no" moans Fagin, "a no-hoper with attitude. You're an ambitious little splinter, aren't you". Afterwards he contemplates the results of letting Nick follow his dreams :-

"I am reviewing the situation
Young Nicky says he really must "branch out"
And if I let him, then what's the payback?
What do I get from the little northern lout?

There may be things that I could do
Use him to start the barbecue
Construct a garden fence with him
Or wall-bars for the local gym.
Would it improve his agent's fees
If he gets his GCSEs?
And would it be impetuous
To ask if he's deciduous?
He seems like such a sickly youth
I wonder if he's weatherproof?
I think I'd better think it out again!!"

And so it continues until Nick is introduced to the real villain of the gang, Terry Sikes Duckworth, who deals in the shady underworld of Manchester, always accompanied by his faithful dog, Scamper. Terry's face lights up when he sees the new young lad and he hatches a devilish plan to sell the boy to the Horton family in Blackpool who have been lonely and heartbroken ever since their grandson left home to star in "Tommy, the Musical". However, Nancy Maxine cannot stand by and watch this happen so she arranges for Nick Oliver to escape during a rousing song and dance number which the Weatherfield Players found too difficult to include in their version (since not much rhymes with oompah-pah). She sets Oliver up with a very wealthy local landowner who can give him the kind of proper upbringing he craves. This is how our eponymous hero finds himself living at the home of Rita Sullivan.

He wakes up early on his first morning in his new home, stands on The Kabin's balcony overlooking Coronation Street and sees the various workers/vendors plying their trade on those infamous cobbles. The milkmaids pirouette up the street offering "Mi-ilk, fresh mi-ilk". They are joined by flower-sellers - "Who will buy my sweet red roses?" and young women with large baskets selling "Ripe strawberries, ripe!". Their songs combine in a wonderful dawn chorus and are supplemented by several of the Coronation Street populace :- Fred Elliott engagingly trills "Who will buy my sweet blood sausage" while Vera croons "Ere chuck, get yer bitter over 'ere". Mavis twitters up and down the street singing the benefits of The Weatherfield Gazette etc etc. Nick Oliver is inspired into song :-

Sung to - Who Will Buy This Wonderful Morning?
"It's so cool, I'm living with Rita
I'm no fool, these are such good digs
As a rule, there's only one drawback
I have to comb her big, red wigs

I'm so smart, my bedroom is mega!
She's all heart, just like a real Ma
Like Bernhardt, she'll act up an oscar
When I float off to Canada"

For 'tis true, young Nick Oliver sees Canada as being the land of opportunity and has decided to give those canucks the benefits of his acting skills. So, despite Gail's efforts to keep him in the UK he has made his mind up. "Oh Nicky Oliver, why don't you stay and come work for me in Master James' Olde Englishe Dickensian Cafe? If you joined us we'd be able to offer stake and chips!!". But it's no use, he has decided once and for all to cross the Atlantic. "Oh well" says Gail, "I hope it all works out for you, touch wood....oops, sorry" and Nick waves a last farewell to Coronation Street and makes his way to Canada where he lives a long and happy life in a National Park. As it happens, Rita Sullivan isn't too heartbroken at his departure either since it gives her more time to practice for her role in the Weatherfield Players' next production which is a version of Andrew Lloyd Webbers "Eh, Rita" including that classic solo "Don't cry for me Alf and Ena".

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