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With tongue firmly in cheek (no wonder I can't talk properly!) here is my Coronation Street pantomime (*very* abridged version).
Starring:
Liz McDonald as The Evil Wicked Witch
Fred Eliot as The Prince
Rita Sullivan as The Fairy Godmother
Anne Malone as The Ice Queen
Roy Cropper as Boy lost in the forest
The scene opens with the Witch at her boudoir, trying to make herself look beautiful.
Witch: Mirrur, mirrur on the wall, who has got the best hair of all?
The Ice Queen arrives and overhears this pitiful wailing.
Ice Queen: Not you, witch. Your hair's awful. It's all
yellow and stuck together, not very tidy and organised at all
really is it?
Witch: Are you saying my hair's awful?
Ice Queen: Yes I am, it's a right mess, it is
Witch: Oh, nurr it's not
Ice Queen: Oh yes it is!
Witch: Oh, nurr it's not
Ice Queen: Oh yes it is!
Witch: Oh nurr it's not
Ice Queen: Look, I'm not going to hang around arguing with
you, there's a freezer with my name on it that I'm going to lie
down in and chill for a bit. After I've tidied it up, of course.
I like to be organised, me, nice and tidy, everything in its place.
And then one of my ice-pixies needs sorting out, a bit of discipline.
He's been far too naughty lately. Oh look, there's a little boy
wandering in the forest. Why... he looks sad, and lost...
Witch: Hello little boy, do you want to come in and sit
on my knee?
Boy: No thank you kind lady. I'm on a nature hunt, walking
through the forest collecting as many specimens of flora and fauna
as I possibly can. Then, I'm going to take them back home and
identify them with the help of my encyclopaedia. I have many of
those at home. Did you know, for instance, that the spotted dung
beetle lays eggs the size of a fifty pence piece...
Witch: Enough, I've heard enough!, be gone with you young
boy before I make you drink one of these potions I have before
me here, this one's especially toxic, it's called Hair Conditioner,
never touch the stuff myself of course.
Boy: Well, I'll be on me way then and I'll bid you good
day. I've been invited to a wedding in yonder village, and to
find my way there, I've invented a highly complex navigational
aid which took me over 2 years to complete. Of course, I was only
working on it evenings and weekends. By the way, just a word of
advice but you might like to know that most chemists now sell
ointment that would clear up those warts on your nose in no time.
Meanwhile, at the church...
Fairy: Oh Prince, I'm so happy. This is the moment I've
been waiting for ever since I asked Mavis to deliver the papers
this morning.
Prince: Aye lass, it's grand. I say, it's grand.
Fairy: Oh but Prince... we can't get married. I've just
lost my super-large red wig with silver stars and gold sparkles
in it, the one I bought specially for the occasion!
Prince: You haven't lost it lass. It's behind you!
Fairy (looking round and seeing nowt) It's where?
Prince: It's behind you!
Fairy (still looking...) Where?
Everybody: BEHIND YOU!
Prince: Here it is lass, I say, here it is. Now put it
on and let's go and get wed and then we'll go and tuck into a
nice piece of rump.
And so, the Prince and the Fairy were married and everyone lived happily ever after.
The End
Ice-creams will be served in the foyer
Written by Glenda Young
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