July 4, 2005
Greetings, schmeetings. Pull up a chair, hey,
take the whole sofa. Make yourself comfy. Put your feet up. Have a
cushion. Put the kettle on. Take your shoes off and put them fluffy
socks on, the ones with the ears and the nose that lights up. Sit down,
settle down and welcome - to this week's Coronation Street weekly update.
The stuffed cat Sean bought from Keith last week (I can't believe I've
opened an update with that line) provides much merriment at
the factory when he takes it to work. It's all a ploy to get Sean
and Tim the Tall Vet together so bear with me while I make the link from
the factory to furry friends, from pants to pets, from underwear and vests
to understanding vets. Sean makes on the cat's still alive to get a
few laughs but Fiz rings the vet when she finds out it's dead. Tim the
vet actually makes a house cal at the factory to check up on the puss, pronounces
it stuffed and goes back to his surgery with Sean's heart in his pocket.
Sean's heartsick at work and can't keep his mind on his sewing. "He's made
the seam one me knickers go wonky" he says. Problem is, how to tell if Tim's
on Sean's bus when Sean can't pick up any signs? Kelly tells Sean that she
reckons Tim's straight. "So is spaghetti until you boil it" he replies. Sean
decides he has to find out if Tim's gay so he drags Shmeichel to the
surgery for a check-up on the pretence of seeing Tim again. Once inside the
surgery however, Sean gets tongue-tied and nervous and doesn't say
a word.
Norris is writing a novel and leaves his notebook in the Kabin where
Rita and Emily take a sneaky peek. When he realises they've read
his very private work of fiction he decides to wind them up and the storyline
twists with the main character, Naurice, having a ménage a trios
with two barefoot ladies – titian haired temptress Reeba and mild-mannered
church-goer Emilia – in Chester Zoo. Rita and Emily are shocked,
to say the least, especially when the story has Naurice proposing marriage
to one of them. Well, serves them right for looking. The joke
plays out as they admit they've read his novel when they shouldn't
have done but Emily takes it further and accepts Norris' proposal in the
Rovers. He needs a stiff whisky to recover before she tells him she
was only joking.
Jamie moves in with Leanne at Janice's flat after arguing with Danny
about his real mother Carole. Needless to say Leanne's not
keen on moving in with Jamie and sends him back home to the Baldwins while
still flirting with his da. Frankie's not best pleased
with Danny either after she finds out he'd visited Carole and hadn't told
her about it. She reckons he's hiding something from her, thinking it's Carole
but when she finds out it's strumpet Leanne her husband's humping she's going
to get her designer label knickers in a right old twist.
Silly storyline of the week had Fred Elliot lining up to fight master
butcher Maddocks after t'other butcher put posters up in the precinct deriding
the quality of butcher Elliot's meat, I say, he were slandering him int'
Street. Fred prepares for pugilism by fighting Diggory in the
back garden but when Diggory knocks him into a tree, he knows he's no match
for Maddocks. Unwilling to lose face, he sets up Ashley to fight Maddocks'
son instead. Ashley blanches when he hears this – it's none other than
Mad Dog Maddocks, East Lancs Amateur Champ. Better get that hospickle
bed ready.
Shelley's still in her jim-jams locked away in the bedroom wondering
what Charlie's up to when he has a night out in town on the ale.
He's angry with Shelley and frustrated too, she won't let him near her.
Mind you, if she'd done this a few months ago she wouldn't be frightened
and festering under her duvet right now. Anyway, Charlie goes out and
has a few drinks and when he comes back to the Rovers, sends Ciaran home
before getting friendly with Violet behind the bar. Shelley sits on
the stairs and stares at the goings on.
Scooter delivers a skip to a snooty woman in a posh house, it's all very
bay window. She's not too pleased when he takes an interest in her koi
carp in the garden (well they are rather shy) and threatens to call the
police. But Scooter's concerned as the koi aren't in good shape and wonders
what he can do to help. Back at Gail's house Martin comes for tea
as he's at a loose end on a day off with nothing to do and nowhere to go.
I hear Holby City are recruiting.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
July 11, 2005
Here I go again with another weekly update, as read
by The Kaiser Chiefs when touring the US. Oh yes, indeedy do. For
news nearer to
home, I am of course shaken by events here in London, especially
as I work very close to where one of the explosions occurred and if
fate had decided, could easily have been on one of the trains. So
I'm therefore very pleased indeed to say that I'm here with
my fingers on the keyboard, my nose to the grindstone and the pedal
to the metal to bring you this week's Coronation Street update.
Things are turning nasty at the Rovers. Shelley spurns Charlie who comes
on to Violet who violates her relationship with Jason. Violet snogs
Charlie by the beer pumps but then does a runner, pleading with him to say
nothing. Meanwhile Shelley plucks up courage to leave the Rovers for
the first time in weeks and takes herself off to a cosmetic surgeon.
Seriously deranged Shelley is convinced that rearranging her features
is the only way to salvage her relationship, change her life, save the whale
and teach the world to sing.
It's Deirdre's 50th birthday and there's champagne and jewellery from
Ken, a recycled card signed `mother' from Blanche and the return of psycho
daughter with baby. Deirdre's convinced Ken has a birthday surprise
for her but as the day draws on it's looking less likely that there's
anything more than a strong cup of tea and she's a little disappointed.
"But you told me not to arrange anything!" he says, which Deirdre did say,
but of course didn't mean. Never mind, they have a cuddle in
their cardis on the sofa instead. Now that Tracy's back she wants
revenge on Steve and won't allow him to see Amy. Steve says he'll get
a court order to gain parental responsibility but needs Roy to testify
in court that he's not the father. When Tracy finds out, she
threatens the Croppers that if they go to court they won't see Amy again.
Hayley agrees to Tracy's demands and they're rewarded with the promise of
looking after baby Amy all day on Sunday.
Convinced he can save the koi carp from dying, Scooter mounts a rescue
operation from the garden of the woman he delivered a skip to
last week. (I know, don't get me started on my grammar, I'm not
in the mood). Sarah goes along with him but ends up falling
in the pond just as the neighbour rings the police. No sooner
has she dialled the coppers than sirens can be heard as Sarah and
Scooter drive off with the dying fish in the back of a skip.
After Ashley refuses to fight Mad Dog Maddocks, Marvin pays Ashley a visit
at work and winds him up, in rhyme!, mostly disparaging remarks about
Claire. Incensed Ashley declares the fight back on with
his own little stanza: "He's ruining me life and criticising me wife".
Fred acts as personal trainer and has Ashley getting fit lifting legs of
lamb and pummelling a dead pig as a punch bag.
Liz goes on another date with Bob. He's wearing comfy clothes, has
a couple of bikes in the car and was thinking of a ride in the country.
She's wearing killer heels and a mini-skirt and was thinking much the
same. She was just like Marina from `Last of the Summer Wine'
- all it needed were grown men in a bath on wheels rolling down a hill.
Roy's contraption is up and running in the café, a testament to
the genius of his grandfather. A hack from The Gazette comes to look
at the gizmo. "It's absolutely bonkers in a most amazing way" he tells Roy.
It sort of acts as a conveyor belt, using the kinetic energy from the
opening and closing café door which is connected to the pulley
system which turns a wheel that's connected to the knee bone and then it
throws, in theory, cutlery into the tray. What it does do in practice
is throw spoons all over the floor. Roy's sure the hack from
the Gazette will write a fitting story although Hayley's worried that
the headline might just scream Anorak.
Candice and the twins from the factory audition to be models at Viva Diva.
Candice is sure she'll be picked to be a star but the woman in charge takes
a shine to Warren instead. Flirting with young Baldwin, the woman
tells him her husband owns football club Real Aquila and thinks she
can find an opening for him.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
July 18, 2005
Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. This
week the update is mostly sunny with a warm spot although wet and windy in
the south. And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's
Coronation Street update.
Charlie wheels Shelley off to the cosmetic surgeon for an overnight stay
and an operation she doesn't need. While Shelley's away, Violet's
too scared to come into work in case Charlie grabs her by the dart board
and Bev breaks into his builder's yard and grabs a handful of papers.
After knocking back a fair few vodka and tonics – drink of choice
on the cobbles for women with a past - Bev starts calling Charlie's
customers, asking them if they remember Charlie-boy the builder who did work
for them recently, and suggests he's been sleeping with their wives.
When an irate customer comes to see Charlie, he tells him about the phone
call and says he'll have Charlie arrested if he's been sleeping with
his wife, she's been dead for 18 years. Charlie asks what the voice
on the phone sounded like and the customer replies: "Woman, middle-aged,
drunk". Charlie knows it's Bev so goes round to her flat and there's an excellent
scene full of tension and passion laced with pure evil as Charlie snarls
at Bev, threatens her, fondles her and plays with her mind while she quivers
like an un-set strawberry jam. Meanwhile, Shelley returns
from the surgeon with scars so bad I had to hide behind my cushion and I've
only ever done that once this year - watching Dr Who. Ciaran and Bev
think Charlie's beaten up Shelley, her face is so bruised and
battered that it was easy to assume but Shelley puts them straight
when she storms into the Rovers, eyes blazing, nose running, eye-lids
seeping with pus, with the receipt for the face-lift at £2,300 plus
vat. Screaming at everyone, she throws Bev out (again) before locking
herself in her room in tears once more.
Betty has a bit of a moment in the back room of the Rovers when Marmaduke
dies and goes to kitty heaven. Sean had taken the cat to the vet as
a ploy to get a date with Tim the Tall Vet but it's curtains for the
cat when Tim tells Sean he'll have to put it out of its misery, which puts
Betty in hers. Beside himself with grief, Sean buys Betty a
replacement kitten but the look on Betty's face when she tells him
"Oh, you shouldn't have" means he really shouldn't. And so, as Betty
mourns Marmaduke, Sean secures a date with the vet and invites him along
on a walk with him and a pet dog he doesn't have, called Bellasinead.
"It's like a cross between Bella Emberg and Sinead O'Connor" Sean explains.
Tim accepts the invitation but where's Sean going to find a dog at short
notice - and a dog that will answer to such a stupid name? Kirk
reckons he's got the right dog for the job staying with him in the kennels
and although it's called Buster he says it'll answer to Bella. A desperate
Sean says he'll give it a try although it's my experience that dogs will
answer to anything you want to call them as long as you've got Scooby Snacks
in your hand.
Kirk in the kennels isn't something I mention every update but this week
he and Maria were summoned home to their parents for important news.
Kirk and Maria's mam and dad are retiring abroad and want to pass
on the family business to them both. Kirkeh's made up and keen to
take on the challenge but Maria sees it as a step down from twirling
perms in the salon and wants to sell her share of the family firm.
In the café, Roy gets an offer he feels it impolite to refuse when
Mr Audenshaw from the Green Hotels chain offers to buy his grandfather's
patent. The kinetic energy gizmo wotsit will be installed on
environmentally friendly hotel doors worldwide and make Green Hotels
rich but Roy's happy to sell the patent for the price of a new frame for
his grandfather's photo.
And finally this week, Warren leaves for sunnier climes when he gets a
place on Spanish football team Real Christina Aguillera, or something,
who cares? Even mum Frankie appeared to be Not. That. Bothered. Meanwhile
Danny and Leanne spend the night in a Nottingham hotel. Eating bacon
butties next morning in bed, she asks him why he's doing this if he
loves his wife and son. He likens it to ski-ing - the excitement of
the downhill slalom, swerving here, dodging there - although he clearly
forgot to mention legs akimbo.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
July 25, 2005
Here we go again with another weekly update, putting its left foot in,
its right arm out and generally shaking it all about. Oh yes, I am indeed
in holiday mode. And on that note, I'm leaving next week's update in
the more than capable hands, although his nails could do with a scrub, of
Mister John Dean. You can read more about John and the other guest weekly
updaters on the Corrie Weekly Updates website at www.corrieweeklyupdates.btinternet.co.uk.
And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street
update.
After the op, Blanche has to rest her hip although her lip's still working
ten to the dozen at anyone who can't get away quick enough. Deirdre
gets her a motorised buggy to gad about ithe street in but it's second hand
and full of faults, not least that it won't make a left turn. When Chesney
finds it in the back lane with the keys in, he takes Sophie for a spin along
the ginnel. When Cilla finds out, she takes it herself for a spot of
shopflifting in town with Yana, the tart with a heart and a permanent ladder
in her tights. With the stolen booty in the basket, Cilla revs up to
all of three miles an hour and scoots out of the shop door with the store
detective running after her. Blanche's motor scoots Cilla half
the way home before it double de-clutches and brakes, throwing Cilla head
first into the canal.
Betty's new kitten is a bit of a monkey (a catorang-utang?) so Sean moves
it into the menagerie at Eileen's where it makes Jason sneeze and wheeze.
Kirk comes up trumps and delivers Buster the dog to Sean so he can impress
Tim the Tall Vet on their first date. Buster is an Old English Sheepdog
(and long-term weekly update readers will remember I used to have two of these
dogs, indeed one of them even wrote a weekly update and if you're bored enough
to peek it's dated April 14, 1998 and archived at
http://www.corrie.net/updates/weekly/1998/9804.html).
Anyway, Sean wants Tim to think that Buster's his own dog, BellaSinead, and
things are going smoothly on the Red Rec as they walk, talk and gaze at the
Salford smog. Sean lets Buster off his lead and the dog runs away, with
Sean yelling after it. Tim's confused. Is it Buster or Bella?
It is Sean's dog or what? Sean's disappointed. Will Tim still
like him when he finds out he's not a dog owner and just a complete and utter
fibber? The dog runs home to its owners who've just returned from holiday,
refuse to pay Kirk as he hasn't shown due care in looking after it while it
was in the kennels and take it to the, you've guessed it, vet for a check-up.
Anyway, Sean reckons he's seen the last of Tim so it's a nice surprise when
he turns up in the Rovers. Sean tries to explain but ends up testiculating
- waving his hands around while talking b*ll*cks - and Tim walks out of the
Rovers and out of Sean's life, for now.
Ciaran said his goodbyes this week, fed up with Charlie-boy in the Rovers
and with life in general on the Street. Most people leave the Street
in a taxi or on wheels but not Ciaran, no. After Sunita wished him well
beside the Tunnocks tea-cakes in't shop, after he threatened to beat up Charlie
in the Rovers and after defending his honour against a drunken Bev in her
flat who'd pinned him to the sofa and slurred red wine words (how much excitement
can a person take in one episode?) he slung his ruck-sack over his shoulder
and simply sauntered away.
Kirk and Maria's parents leave Weatherfield and head for all the excitement
that a donkey farm in Cyprus can bring. Maria's not best pleased that
the kennels are left to Kirk after she says she'd rather have her share in
cash instead. Fiz moves in with Kirk at the kennels but when she ends
up stinking of Chum and cooked tripe, she isn't quite sure she's made the
right choice.
Tracy sees a solicitor to find out if she can stop Steve getting custody
of Amy. The solicitor says that if DNA proves Steve's the father, then
there's little chance she can legally keep him away. Tracy knows she
can't win so gets devious instead. She tells Steve he can look after Amy any
time he likes. Why not tomorrow? she says. Why not take her to the
airport to see the aeroplanes?, she says. Steve's delighted and takes
the bag of clothes and baby what-nots that Tracy gives him for the day out
with Amy. So while Steve's at the airport playing aeroplanes with his
daughter, Tracy rings the police and tells them Amy's been kidnapped.
Steve's arrested and it's his word against Tracy's - which doesn't look good
when Amy's passport turns up in the bag of clothes Tracy gave him.
Mike and Penny return from holiday to find Adam and Danny at each other's
throats in the factory. There was bad news for Danny this week when
his father dies. Or at least, he's been told it's his father, and that's
all I'm going to say for now. Tune in next week for more with the wonderful
John Dean.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
By Glenda
Young , writer of
Coronation Street Weekly Updates
for the internet since 1995.