July 4, 2005

Greetings, schmeetings.  Pull up a chair, hey, take the whole sofa.  Make yourself comfy. Put your feet up. Have a cushion. Put the  kettle on. Take your shoes off and put them fluffy socks on, the  ones with the ears and the nose that lights up. Sit down, settle  down and welcome - to this week's Coronation Street weekly update.

The stuffed cat Sean bought from Keith last week (I can't believe I've opened an update with that line) provides much merriment at
the factory when he takes it to work.  It's all a ploy to get Sean and Tim the Tall Vet together so bear with me while I make the link from the factory to furry friends, from pants to pets, from underwear and vests to understanding vets.  Sean makes on the cat's still alive to get a few laughs but Fiz rings the vet when she finds out it's dead.  Tim the vet actually makes a house cal at the factory to check up on the puss, pronounces it stuffed and goes back to his surgery with Sean's heart in his pocket. Sean's heartsick at work and can't keep his mind on his sewing. "He's made the seam one me knickers go wonky" he says. Problem is, how to tell if Tim's on Sean's bus when Sean can't pick up any signs? Kelly tells Sean that she reckons Tim's straight. "So is spaghetti until you boil it" he replies. Sean decides he has to find out if Tim's gay so he  drags Shmeichel to the surgery for a check-up on the pretence of seeing Tim again. Once inside the  surgery however, Sean gets  tongue-tied and nervous and doesn't say a word.

Norris is writing a novel and leaves his notebook in the Kabin where Rita and Emily take a sneaky peek.  When he realises they've read his very private work of fiction he decides to wind them up and the storyline twists with the main character, Naurice, having a ménage a trios with two barefoot ladies – titian haired temptress Reeba and mild-mannered church-goer Emilia – in Chester Zoo.  Rita and Emily are shocked, to say the least, especially when the story has Naurice proposing marriage to one of them.  Well, serves them right for looking.  The joke plays out as they admit they've read his  novel when they shouldn't have done but Emily takes it further and accepts Norris' proposal in the Rovers.  He needs a stiff whisky to recover before she tells him she was only joking.

Jamie moves in with Leanne at Janice's flat after arguing with Danny about his real mother Carole.   Needless to say Leanne's not keen on moving in with Jamie and sends him back home to the Baldwins while still flirting with his da.   Frankie's not best  pleased with Danny either after she finds out he'd visited Carole and hadn't told her about it. She reckons he's hiding something from her, thinking it's Carole but when she finds out it's strumpet Leanne her husband's humping she's going to get her designer label knickers in a right old twist.

Silly storyline of the week had Fred Elliot lining up to fight master butcher Maddocks after t'other butcher put posters up in the precinct deriding the quality of butcher Elliot's meat, I say, he were slandering him int' Street.   Fred prepares for pugilism by fighting Diggory in the back garden but when Diggory knocks him into a tree, he knows he's no match for Maddocks.  Unwilling to lose face, he sets up Ashley to fight Maddocks' son instead.  Ashley blanches when he hears this – it's none other than Mad Dog Maddocks, East Lancs Amateur Champ.  Better get  that hospickle bed ready.

Shelley's still in her jim-jams locked away in the bedroom wondering what Charlie's up to when he has a night out in town on  the ale.  He's angry with Shelley and frustrated too, she won't let him near her.  Mind you, if she'd done this a few months ago she wouldn't be frightened and festering under her duvet right now.  Anyway, Charlie goes out and has a few drinks and when he comes back to the Rovers, sends Ciaran home before getting friendly with Violet behind the bar.  Shelley sits on the stairs and stares at the goings on.

Scooter delivers a skip to a snooty woman in a posh house, it's all very bay window. She's not too pleased when he takes an interest in her koi carp in the garden (well they are rather shy) and threatens to call the police. But Scooter's concerned as the koi aren't in good shape and wonders what he can do to help.  Back at Gail's house Martin comes for tea as he's at a loose end on a day off with nothing to do and nowhere to go.  I hear Holby City are recruiting.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda


July 11, 2005

Here I go again with another weekly update, as read by The Kaiser Chiefs when touring the US. Oh yes, indeedy do.  For news nearer to
home, I am of course shaken by events here in London, especially as  I work very close to where one of the explosions occurred and if
fate had decided, could easily have been on one of the trains. So I'm therefore very pleased indeed to say that I'm here with
my fingers on the keyboard, my nose to the grindstone and the  pedal to the metal to bring you this week's Coronation Street  update.

Things are turning nasty at the Rovers. Shelley spurns Charlie who  comes on to Violet who violates her relationship with Jason.  Violet  snogs Charlie by the beer pumps but then does a runner, pleading with him to say nothing.  Meanwhile Shelley plucks up courage to leave the Rovers for the first time in weeks and takes herself off  to a cosmetic surgeon.  Seriously deranged Shelley is convinced that  rearranging her features is the only way to salvage her relationship, change her life, save the whale and teach the world to sing.

It's Deirdre's 50th birthday and there's champagne and jewellery from Ken, a recycled card signed `mother' from Blanche and the return of psycho daughter with baby.  Deirdre's  convinced Ken has a birthday surprise for her but as the day draws  on it's looking less likely that there's anything more than a strong cup of tea and she's a little disappointed.  "But you told me not to arrange anything!" he says, which Deirdre did say,  but of course didn't mean.  Never mind, they have a cuddle in their cardis on the sofa instead.   Now that Tracy's back she wants revenge on Steve and won't allow him to see Amy.  Steve says he'll get a court order to gain parental responsibility but needs  Roy to testify in court that he's not the  father.  When Tracy finds out, she threatens the Croppers that if they go to court they won't see Amy again. Hayley agrees to Tracy's demands and they're rewarded with the promise of looking after baby Amy all day on Sunday.

Convinced he can save the koi carp from dying, Scooter mounts a  rescue operation from the garden of the woman he delivered a skip to
last week.  (I know, don't get me started on my grammar, I'm not in the mood).   Sarah goes along with him but ends up falling in  the pond just as the neighbour rings the police.  No sooner has she  dialled the coppers than sirens can be heard as Sarah and Scooter  drive off with the dying fish in the back of a skip.

After Ashley refuses to fight Mad Dog Maddocks, Marvin pays Ashley a  visit at work and winds him up, in rhyme!, mostly disparaging  remarks about Claire.   Incensed Ashley declares the fight back on  with his own little stanza: "He's ruining me life and criticising me wife".  Fred acts as personal trainer and has Ashley getting fit lifting legs of lamb and pummelling a dead pig as  a punch bag.

Liz goes on another date with Bob.  He's wearing comfy clothes, has a couple of bikes in the car and was thinking of a ride in the  country.  She's wearing killer heels and a mini-skirt and was  thinking much the same.   She was just like Marina from `Last of the Summer Wine' - all it needed were grown men in a bath on wheels rolling down a hill.

Roy's contraption is up and running in the café, a testament to the genius of his grandfather.  A hack from The Gazette comes to  look at the gizmo. "It's absolutely bonkers in a most amazing way" he tells Roy.  It sort of acts as a conveyor belt, using the  kinetic energy from the opening and closing café door which is  connected to the pulley system which turns a wheel that's connected to the knee bone and then it throws, in theory, cutlery  into the tray. What it does do in practice is throw spoons all over  the floor.  Roy's sure the hack from the Gazette will write a  fitting story although Hayley's worried that the headline might just scream Anorak.

Candice and the twins from the factory audition to be models at Viva  Diva.  Candice is sure she'll be picked to be a star but the woman in charge takes a shine to Warren instead.  Flirting with  young Baldwin, the woman tells him her husband owns football club  Real Aquila and thinks she can find an opening for him.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda


July 18, 2005

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. This week the update is mostly sunny with a warm spot although wet and windy in the south.  And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

Charlie wheels Shelley off to the cosmetic surgeon for an overnight stay and an operation she doesn't need.  While Shelley's away, Violet's too scared to come into work in case Charlie grabs her by the dart board and Bev breaks into his builder's yard and grabs a handful of papers.  After knocking back a fair few vodka and  tonics – drink of choice on the cobbles for women with a past -  Bev starts calling Charlie's customers, asking them if they remember Charlie-boy the builder who did work for them recently, and  suggests he's been sleeping with their wives.  When an irate customer comes to see Charlie, he tells him about the phone call and  says he'll have Charlie arrested if he's been sleeping with his wife, she's been dead for 18 years.  Charlie asks what the voice on the phone sounded like and the customer replies: "Woman, middle-aged, drunk". Charlie knows it's Bev so goes round to her flat and there's an excellent scene full of tension and passion laced with  pure evil as Charlie snarls at Bev, threatens her, fondles her and plays with her mind while she quivers like an  un-set  strawberry jam.  Meanwhile, Shelley returns from the surgeon with scars so bad I had to hide behind my cushion and I've only ever done that once this year - watching Dr Who.  Ciaran and Bev  think  Charlie's beaten up Shelley, her face is so bruised and  battered that it was easy to assume but Shelley puts them straight  when she storms into the Rovers, eyes blazing, nose running, eye-lids seeping with pus, with the receipt for the face-lift at £2,300 plus vat.  Screaming at everyone, she throws Bev out (again) before locking herself in her room in tears once more.

Betty has a bit of a moment in the back room of the Rovers when  Marmaduke dies and goes to kitty heaven.  Sean had taken the cat to the vet as a ploy to get a date with Tim the Tall Vet but it's  curtains for the cat when Tim tells Sean he'll have to put it out of its misery, which puts Betty in hers.  Beside himself with grief,  Sean buys Betty a replacement kitten but the look on Betty's face  when she tells him "Oh, you shouldn't have" means he really shouldn't.  And so, as Betty mourns Marmaduke, Sean secures a date with the vet and invites him along on a walk with him  and a pet dog he doesn't have, called Bellasinead. "It's like a cross between Bella Emberg and Sinead O'Connor" Sean explains.  Tim accepts the invitation but where's Sean going to find a dog at short notice - and a dog that will answer to such a  stupid name?  Kirk reckons he's got the right dog for the job staying with him in the kennels and although it's called Buster he says it'll answer to Bella.  A desperate Sean says he'll give it a try although it's my experience that dogs will answer to anything you want to call them as long as you've got Scooby Snacks in your hand.

Kirk in the kennels isn't something I mention every update but this week he and Maria were summoned home to their parents for  important news.  Kirk and Maria's mam and dad are retiring abroad  and want to pass on the family business to them both.  Kirkeh's made up and keen to take on the challenge but Maria sees it as a  step down from twirling perms in the salon and wants to sell her  share of the family firm.

In the café, Roy gets an offer he feels it impolite to refuse when  Mr Audenshaw from the Green Hotels chain offers to buy his  grandfather's patent.  The kinetic energy gizmo wotsit will be  installed on environmentally friendly hotel doors worldwide and make  Green Hotels rich but Roy's happy to sell the patent for the price of a new frame for his grandfather's photo.

And finally this week, Warren leaves for sunnier climes when he gets  a place on Spanish football team Real Christina Aguillera, or  something, who cares? Even mum Frankie appeared to be Not. That. Bothered.  Meanwhile Danny and Leanne spend the night in a  Nottingham hotel. Eating bacon butties next morning in bed, she asks  him why he's doing this if he loves his wife and son.  He likens it to ski-ing - the excitement of the downhill slalom, swerving  here, dodging there - although he clearly forgot to mention legs  akimbo.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda


July 25, 2005

Here we go again with another weekly update, putting its left foot in, its right arm out and generally shaking it all about. Oh yes, I am indeed in holiday mode.  And on that note, I'm leaving next week's update in the more than capable hands, although his nails could do with a scrub, of Mister John Dean.  You can read more about John and the other guest weekly updaters on the Corrie Weekly Updates website at www.corrieweeklyupdates.btinternet.co.uk.  And so without any further ado, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update.

After the op, Blanche has to rest her hip although her lip's still working ten to the dozen at anyone who can't get away quick enough.  Deirdre gets her a motorised buggy to gad about ithe street in but it's second hand and full of faults, not least that it won't make a left turn.  When Chesney finds it in the back lane with the keys in, he takes Sophie for a spin along the ginnel.  When Cilla finds out, she takes it herself for a spot of shopflifting in town with Yana, the tart with a heart and a permanent ladder in her tights.  With the stolen booty in the basket, Cilla revs up to all of three miles an hour and scoots out of the shop door with the store detective running after her.   Blanche's motor scoots Cilla half the way home before it double de-clutches and brakes, throwing Cilla head first into the canal.

Betty's new kitten is a bit of a monkey (a catorang-utang?) so Sean moves it into the menagerie at Eileen's where it makes Jason sneeze and wheeze.  Kirk comes up trumps and delivers Buster the dog to Sean so he can impress Tim the Tall Vet on their first date.  Buster is an Old English Sheepdog (and long-term weekly update readers will remember I used to have two of these dogs, indeed one of them even wrote a weekly update and if you're bored enough to peek it's dated April 14, 1998 and archived at http://www.corrie.net/updates/weekly/1998/9804.html).  Anyway, Sean wants Tim to think that Buster's his own dog, BellaSinead, and things are going smoothly on the Red Rec as they walk, talk and gaze at the Salford smog.  Sean lets Buster off his lead and the dog runs away, with Sean yelling after it. Tim's confused.  Is it Buster or Bella?  It is Sean's dog or what?  Sean's disappointed.  Will Tim still like him when he finds out he's not a dog owner and just a complete and utter fibber?  The dog runs home to its owners who've just returned from holiday, refuse to pay Kirk as he hasn't shown due care in looking after it while it was in the kennels and take it to the, you've guessed it, vet for a check-up.  Anyway, Sean reckons he's seen the last of Tim so it's a nice surprise when he turns up in the Rovers.  Sean tries to explain but ends up testiculating - waving his hands around while talking b*ll*cks - and Tim walks out of the Rovers and out of Sean's life, for now.

Ciaran said his goodbyes this week, fed up with Charlie-boy in the Rovers and with life in general on the Street.  Most people leave the Street in a taxi or on wheels but not Ciaran, no.  After Sunita wished him well beside the Tunnocks tea-cakes in't shop, after he threatened to beat up Charlie in the Rovers and after defending his honour against a drunken Bev in her flat who'd pinned him to the sofa and slurred red wine words (how much excitement can a person take in one episode?) he slung his ruck-sack over his shoulder and simply sauntered away.

Kirk and Maria's parents leave Weatherfield and head for all the excitement that a donkey farm in Cyprus can bring.  Maria's not best pleased that the kennels are left to Kirk after she says she'd rather have her share in cash instead.  Fiz moves in with Kirk at the kennels but when she ends up stinking of Chum and cooked tripe, she isn't quite sure she's made the right choice.

Tracy sees a solicitor to find out if she can stop Steve getting custody of Amy.  The solicitor says that if DNA proves Steve's the father, then there's little chance she can legally keep him away.  Tracy knows she can't win so gets devious instead. She tells Steve he can look after Amy any time he likes. Why not tomorrow? she says.  Why not take her to the airport to see the aeroplanes?, she says.  Steve's delighted and takes the bag of clothes and baby what-nots that Tracy gives him for the day out with Amy.  So while Steve's at the airport playing aeroplanes with his daughter, Tracy rings the police and tells them Amy's been kidnapped.  Steve's arrested and it's his word against Tracy's - which doesn't look good when Amy's passport turns up in the bag of clothes Tracy gave him. 

Mike and Penny return from holiday to find Adam and Danny at each other's throats in the factory.  There was bad news for Danny this week when his father dies.  Or at least, he's been told it's his father, and that's all I'm going to say for now.  Tune in next week for more with the wonderful John Dean.

And that's just about that for this week.

Glenda

By Glenda Young , writer of Coronation Street Weekly Updates for the internet since 1995.



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